Student Mum, Part Two

So as I said in my last post, in September this year I’ll be returning to life as a student mum. I’ve been offered a place at Chester University, to do a Masters in Drama, and it’s been a decision I’ve  uhm-ed and ah-ed over for quite a long time.

I knew that I desperately wanted to continue studying. It’s not that I’m not ready to let go of university – rather that I feel I’m not done with research and academic work yet. I have so many ideas in my head for research projects and performances, and the best place to translate those ideas into real life is university.

And besides, I’ve been a student mum before. This is no different – right?

Not exactly. Last time, I became a student mum unexpectedly. I had student parenthood thrust upon me, to (badly) paraphrase. Getting pregnant in my second year of an undergraduate degree was an accident.

This time, I am actively choosing to be a student parent. That carries with it a hefty amount of baggage.

People judge student parents. I found that out a few months ago, when I overheard a discussion in the university library. I managed to escape judgement by and large – all I had was compliments. But will it be different this time? Does it make a difference that last time, I was making the most of an unexpected situation – this time, I’m going ahead and sticking myself right in the middle of that situation?

I’m choosing not to be a stay-at-home mum. I’m choosing to “prioritise my career” – usually said in a bad way, although I can’t see how it’s bad when I’m doing it to benefit SB in the long run – and to do something that will probably come across as selfish. In some ways, it is selfish – I am going to do my Masters because it’s what I want to do – but am I a bad person for not feeling guilty about that?

I don’t think I am. I’m sure that some people will disagree, but I am learning more and more not to let other people’s opinions get to me – especially when it comes to doing something as big as a postgraduate degree.

People have been overwhelmingly positive about my decision. People have asked questions, which I’m fine with. I’m happy to be honest about financing the degree (loans) and intentions for afterwards (working in any job I can get, to pay back said loans, while I work on starting up my own company).

But still, there’s that little niggle of doubt. What if I’m doing something that’s selfish in a bad way? What if this time away from SB doesn’t pay off in the way I hope it will? What if the vocal minority are right, and I need to give up on my ambitions because I am a parent now?

I want 2016 to be a year without “what if”s – or at least, a year where “what if”s don’t rule my life any more.

In finishing my undergraduate degree, I proved to everyone else that pregnancy and parenting isn’t an obstacle to studying and achieving your ambition.

With my postgraduate degree, it’s time to prove it to myself.

A Degree Is No Guarantee…

… that I will be anything even remotely resembling a good example for my daughter.

It’s not much use looking at Daf either. He’s just as bad as me… possibly worse.

1. We very rarely watch Cbeebies, or any other kids’ programme. With the exception of In The Night Garden, SB just isn’t interested. The only one she really likes is Paw Patrol, which we watch on Netflix. Instead, SB is being raised on our favourite YouTubers – the likes of the Yogscast, Hat Films and various family vloggers!

2. Manners aren’t our forte. Sure, we say “please” and “thank you” and all the required social niceties, but – well, we have burping contests, for goodness’ sake. We give SB’s burps ratings (she’s managed a couple of sevens, which is good for a toddler of her stature).

3. We don’t have a dining table. We are going to get her a little toddler table and chair so she can sit and eat her dinner, but right now, we all eat dinner together. On the sofa.

4. She says “Bugger”. Considering how much we swear (including accidentally swearing around her), it’s a miracle that her first cuss word wasn’t a whole lot worse.

5. The first time she picked her nose, I was too busy laughing to tell her off.

6. We made this video, which just serves to highlight the fact that we are not mature enough to be responsible for a child.

7. You know those “All Daddy Wanted Was A Blowjob” baby vests that everyone goes into a frothing rage about because they’re so vulgar and crude and unsuitable for precious little angels? Not only did I laugh myself stupid at it, I really strongly considered buying one.

8. Today, while we were shopping, Daf and I used the trolley to glide down the aisles (well, he was gliding. I was more reminiscent of that meme of the polar bear dragging itself across the ice*). Thankfully, we did not kill anybody.

9. SB has a little toy Mario figure, complete with a moving arm. The movement of said arm is somewhat reminiscent of a certain self-pleasure-y motion. Far from being shocked and appalled and contacting the Daily Mail to come and take our ‘sadface’ pictures (a la the saga of the anal pyjamas**), we found it absolutely hilarious. So does my mom, which goes to show that just as we aren’t mature enough to be parents, she isn’t mature enough to be a grandparent.

10. One of the godparents we so lovingly selected for SB based on their qualities of trustworthiness, responsibility and all-around loveliness has told us of his plans to take her to Canal Street and Brighton as soon as possible, to “introduce her to the gay scene”. In return, we have taught her to say his name as “Uncle Gay Jay”. We’re just doing our bit to ensure she grows up accepting of everybody. (Plus, hearing her call him “Gaja” is adorable).

So there you have it. Despite having a degree and being, to all intents and purposes, all-around good eggs (well – at least we appear that way, to people who’ve never met us), I present ten pieces of evidence to the contrary. Somehow, despite all of this, we’re still doing a pretty good job raising our baby.

So if you’re feeling a little imperfect, or you’re pregnant and worrying that you’re not mature enough yet because you still giggle at anything incorporating the number ’69’ <I am glaring very hard at Daf right now>, don’t worry. You may not end up with the most conventional parenting style – but you’ll have a shit ton of fun.

*  This meme. 

** Yes, I did have to Google ‘Anal Pyjamas’ to find that news story. Yes, it was a terrifying wait for those results to load up, and no, I didn’t dare look at the Image results.

*** Isn’t that picture in the title just THE most attractive example of a couple you’ve ever seen? Wow.

Officially A Graduate!

Well, here we are then. The dust has settled, the caps have been thrown and I am a graduate!

Graduation on Friday was amazing; the loveliest and proudest day since SB was born. She was a little star throughout – she and Daf sat and watched the graduation being live-streamed, and fell asleep a few minutes after watching me walk across the stage and shake hands with the vice-chancellor! – if a little tired at the end, hence her expression in some of the pictures.

I can’t describe the feeling of walking across the stage – it was amazing!

The entire day was lovely. I had three sets of pictures done – one of me on my own, one of me with my parents and one of me with Daf and SB, so I’m looking forwards to seeing those when they arrive, along with my degree certificate! After the ceremony, we walked over to the library building with the chancellor, vice chancellors and lecturers and governers, all in their academic dress, applauding us as we passed, and then there was wine and soft drinks laid on in the library for everyone.

The speeches were inspirational, and left me determined to make the best of my degree – and with that in mind, I’ve had a slight shift in my plans for the next few years. There’ll be more on that in due course, but it was definitely a day with a lot of food for thought!

Thank you for the amazing reception to my graduation post; there have been so many kind comments and messages that I have received, and each one has made me smile (and many have made me feel a little bit teary!). There were definitely a few tears yesterday – all happy tears, as I thought about the amazing three years at Glyndwr, and how I started university as an eighteen year old with no real aim in life, and have ended it as a twenty-one year old mother with a wonderful family and a lot of plans for the future! There’s a lot said these days about how university is pointless, and is just a three year holiday for the middle classes. I’m about as far removed from middle class as it gets, and I wouldn’t change a thing about my time at university – I’d recommend it to anyone (although, if you want a slightly easier ride of it, you may wish to skip the ‘having a baby’ part).

So now it’s time for the future. For the first time, I think I’m actually ready.

The Daddy Diaries #4: Studying With SB

It’s that time of week again; time for Part 4 of The Daddy Diaries! People seem to be enjoying the feature so far, which is great, as there’s more to come! This week, Daf talks about the trials and tribulations of studying with a young baby, and has some advice for anyone who thinks they can’t go to university because of their parenting commitments. 

How did it feel, going back to university the September after SB was born? 

It felt surreal. Everything had changed, and we’d had all summer to adjust to our lives being totally different – and then suddenly we were going back to normality, even if it was just for a few hours a day.

Were you nervous putting SB into nursery for the first time? Was there any guilt?

We were definitely very nervous. There was some guilt, but at the same time, I know that what we did was for the best. I think the guilt came more from the way putting your baby into nursery at a young age is perceived socially, rather than us actually needing to feel guilty about it.

How did you cope if SB was poorly during the week and couldn’t go to nursery? Who would look after her?

If she couldn’t go into nursery, we’d just discuss the situation, and find out whose lecture was the most vital that day. Sometimes I’d be doing essay preparation while Maddy would just be reading a play, or vice versa, so the person who needed to be in university less would take the day off and stay with her. We just made it work – we had to, for SB’s sake.

What was the biggest challenge you faced in terms of studying last year?

Tiredness, but only because we’d be up doing feeds in the middle of the night, and trying to get her to sleep, and we were having to work our studying around that. Often we couldn’t even start our essays until late at night, so then we’d stay up even later and be tired.

What help did you need from the university, if any? And were Glyndwr university understanding?

They were very understanding, and gave me a lot of leeway. I was so tired I fell asleep in one lecture. My lecturer woke me up, and he was very understanding about it.

Do you think universities in general are supportive enough of student parents?

From my experience at Glyndwr, yes. I think some universities need to advertise it more, as it may put students off if they think that they are not welcome because of their family commitments, whereas other universities like Glyndwr make it clear that student parents are supported. I think there are more young people becoming parents and continuing their education, and more mature students with families too, and universities are adjusting to that.

What are the most important things that universities can do to support student parents?

Be understanding. Don’t give student parents special treatment, because chances are they don’t want it, and their peers may start to resent them, but understand that they may need extensions on essays, and they may be tired or struggle to concentrate in some lectures. Also, forms like student finance are so confusing for student finance, so it eases a lot of stress when universities can offer help with filling in the forms.

What advice do you have for other student parents?

You can do it. It might feel like you can’t at times, but remember that you’re doing it for a great reason, and it will lead to a better life for you and your family.

What about to parents who think they can’t go to university because of their parenting responsibilities?

Don’t worry that university is all about ‘student life’ and partying.  Not only will you get so much support with studying, but you can still have a great student experience and social life – even if all you can manage is activities during the opening hours of childcare or school; you can join societies and sports teams and get involved with student life that way.

</div