… that I will be anything even remotely resembling a good example for my daughter.
It’s not much use looking at Daf either. He’s just as bad as me… possibly worse.
1. We very rarely watch Cbeebies, or any other kids’ programme. With the exception of In The Night Garden, SB just isn’t interested. The only one she really likes is Paw Patrol, which we watch on Netflix. Instead, SB is being raised on our favourite YouTubers – the likes of the Yogscast, Hat Films and various family vloggers!
2. Manners aren’t our forte. Sure, we say “please” and “thank you” and all the required social niceties, but – well, we have burping contests, for goodness’ sake. We give SB’s burps ratings (she’s managed a couple of sevens, which is good for a toddler of her stature).
3. We don’t have a dining table. We are going to get her a little toddler table and chair so she can sit and eat her dinner, but right now, we all eat dinner together. On the sofa.
4. She says “Bugger”. Considering how much we swear (including accidentally swearing around her), it’s a miracle that her first cuss word wasn’t a whole lot worse.
5. The first time she picked her nose, I was too busy laughing to tell her off.
6. We made this video, which just serves to highlight the fact that we are not mature enough to be responsible for a child.
7. You know those “All Daddy Wanted Was A Blowjob” baby vests that everyone goes into a frothing rage about because they’re so vulgar and crude and unsuitable for precious little angels? Not only did I laugh myself stupid at it, I really strongly considered buying one.
8. Today, while we were shopping, Daf and I used the trolley to glide down the aisles (well, he was gliding. I was more reminiscent of that meme of the polar bear dragging itself across the ice*). Thankfully, we did not kill anybody.
9. SB has a little toy Mario figure, complete with a moving arm. The movement of said arm is somewhat reminiscent of a certain self-pleasure-y motion. Far from being shocked and appalled and contacting the Daily Mail to come and take our ‘sadface’ pictures (a la the saga of the anal pyjamas**), we found it absolutely hilarious. So does my mom, which goes to show that just as we aren’t mature enough to be parents, she isn’t mature enough to be a grandparent.
10. One of the godparents we so lovingly selected for SB based on their qualities of trustworthiness, responsibility and all-around loveliness has told us of his plans to take her to Canal Street and Brighton as soon as possible, to “introduce her to the gay scene”. In return, we have taught her to say his name as “Uncle Gay Jay”. We’re just doing our bit to ensure she grows up accepting of everybody. (Plus, hearing her call him “Gaja” is adorable).
So there you have it. Despite having a degree and being, to all intents and purposes, all-around good eggs (well – at least we appear that way, to people who’ve never met us), I present ten pieces of evidence to the contrary. Somehow, despite all of this, we’re still doing a pretty good job raising our baby.
So if you’re feeling a little imperfect, or you’re pregnant and worrying that you’re not mature enough yet because you still giggle at anything incorporating the number ’69’ <I am glaring very hard at Daf right now>, don’t worry. You may not end up with the most conventional parenting style – but you’ll have a shit ton of fun.
* This meme.
** Yes, I did have to Google ‘Anal Pyjamas’ to find that news story. Yes, it was a terrifying wait for those results to load up, and no, I didn’t dare look at the Image results.
*** Isn’t that picture in the title just THE most attractive example of a couple you’ve ever seen? Wow.