Motivation Post: Student Parents, You Rock!

I’ve talked quite a lot about the start of a new university year recently, with my Top Ten Tips for Student Parents, because it’s a big event for any student (or their parents – lots of mums out there with empty nest syndrome at the moment, I’m sure), but particularly so for a student parent. The new academic year means new challenges, new adjustments to make and often, a new hurdle to cross.

This year has been strange for me. I didn’t really have a summer – I went straight from university into full-time work – but as soon as I finished work, everyone else was heading back to school and university, as their summer holidays came to an end. It feels wrong not to be going back with them. I was on campus the other day to record an interview in their radio studio, and seeing the students heading to Freshers’ Fair; hearing them talk about enrolment and modules and what they’ve got going on this year, set off little pangs of envy in me.

Maybe I’m looking at it through rose tinted glasses? I know there were challenges, and there were so many times when I thought I couldn’t do it, but I wish I’d taken a few moments to sit back and enjoy it all. I wish I’d taken more pictures, joined more societies, been to more events. The fact that I missed out on these is nothing to do with having a child, and all because I was apathetic. I felt like three years was an eternity; university would last forever. Now I’m in the real world, and I’m counting down the weeks until I can go and do my PGCE next year, just to spend a short time back in a university atmosphere.

The point of this post wasn’t for me to ramble on and on about my university regrets. Instead, it’s to send a message to all the student parents out there – whether you’re a mum, a dad, a step-parent, an adoptive parent, a birth parent, a grandparent, a mum-of-eight or a mum-to-be, a full-time student or a part-time student and everyone in between…

You rock. You really do. You’ll probably shrug it off, like I did whenever someone told me how great I was doing, and say ‘It’s nothing’. In your mind, it’s just a case of balancing studying and parenting. No biggie.

But it is a biggie. You’re not just balancing a few lectures with a few hours of playtime in the evening. You’re balancing writing assignments with making sure your child’s science project is in their bag and ready to go. You’re balancing revising for an exam with endless episodes of Peppa Pig. You’re balancing the pressure to join in the student lifestyle with the endless requests for stories. You’re balancing the fun of the occasional night out with the guilt of feeling that you don’t spend enough time with your child. You’re balancing field trips and placements with packed lunches and swimming money.

There’s no ‘just’ about it. Being a student parent is a juggling act, and it’s not an easy one either. You’re doing awesome, though.

I may know some of you. I probably don’t know an awful lot of you. I can tell you now, without a shadow of a doubt, that if you are a student parent, that you are amazing. It doesn’t matter whether you’re studying Astrophysics at the Super Advanced Technological University Of Science (yeah, sorry, my mind drew a blank there) or a distance-learning course; you’re doing great. You’re learning. You’re broadening your horizons and expanding your knowledge. With that, your child’s horizons will be broadened too, and they will benefit from the knowledge you are gaining.

It gets tough. I’m never going to lie and pretend it’s a breeze. Sometimes the only way you can get through a night of essay writing is one of those supermarket cartons of Starbucks Espresso – even if, like me, you loathe coffee – and loud music blasting through your headphones, and even then you’ll wonder what the hell you’re doing, and why you ever thought this was a good idea. Sometimes you’ll sit in a lecture and realise that actually, you’d rather be sitting on the sofa cuddling with your baby right now.

Some of you have extra obstacles than I did. Some of you are single parents. Some of you have two or three children – older children, not babies and toddlers with their relatively uncomplicated lives. Some of you have children with additional needs. You don’t let it stop you. You continue to study, and continue to parent, and I am in awe of you all – you are true inspirations.

Keep on keeping on, student parents. There are two instances in my life where I have felt indescribably proud of myself. The first was giving birth to SB – no feeling has ever beaten that. The second was holding that letter in my hands, the one that told me I had a first-class degree. I hope that the third is coming at the end of October; the moment I walk across that stage in my cap and gown and graduate. It takes work, dedication, sheer bloody-minded stubbornness at times, but it is so worth it for that long-term gain, the pride you will feel, and the example you are setting to your child or children.

Practical support for student parents isn’t too difficult to come across in most universities. Emotional support? That can really vary. Some universities, like mine, are great. Others? Not so much. Sometimes, we just need that push. That little bit of motivation; the cheerleader in our mind, waving her pompoms and shouting “You can do it!”. Because you can. You can do it, and you will do it, and that achievement will be something you will never forget.

So if you’re a student parent, feeling nervous or scared or even dreading the new academic year, it’s normal. We’ve all been there. It’s easy to feel like you’re alone, especially when your university doesn’t have many student parents. You’re not alone. Chances are, there are more student parents at your university than you think, and they’re all in exactly the same boat. Find each other, support each other, encourage and motivate each other. Share your struggles and your stresses; vent about dirty nappies and teenage strops and packed lunches and whatever else is getting in your way – and then grit your teeth, push through and get that grade; the one you know you deserve.

You can do it. Keep telling yourself that you can do it. If you lose confidence or doubt yourself, say it until you’re blue in the face; you can do it. Be proud of what you are doing, and why you are doing it. I think that each and every one of you – whoever you’re a parent to, however old you are, whatever course you’re doing – is absolutely amazing.

Post-partum body confidence

Even before pregnancy, I was self-conscious of my body. As I’ve mentioned on the blog before, I have a scar stretching all the way across my stomach, from surgery when I was a baby. The surgery saved my life, so obviously I’m glad I have the scar – but it’s always dented my body confidence. It also makes it hard to tone up my stomach, so  – combined with a penchant for cake (I’m not totally blameless in this, let’s face it) – my weight has always been an issue for me too.

I’ve made steps towards changing it. I’ve lost weight over the years, but tend to re-gain it in times of stress or pregnancy (although thanks to being ill, I’ve lost over a stone in weight recently). I got that tattoo of the ‘cut along the dotted line’ scissors next to my scar, so that looking at my scar will make me smile rather than get me down.

Even still, during pregnancy I had major bump envy. I saw other people with their perfect football-shaped bumps – and then there was mine, sliced through in the middle with my scar, looking oddly-shaped. I was covered in stretch marks – although, oddly, these didn’t bother me as much as the scar – and as a result of this, I think I took maybe four bump pictures all in all? It’s a shame, because I would have loved to see a progression of my bump from beginning to end, but pictures like this, taken a few days before SB was born, are all I have.

On the bright side, thanks to my non-football shaped bump, I could get by in normal t-shirts as well as maternity t-shirts. On the downside, I don’t think I ever properly left that pregnant-or-fat stage.

Since having SB, I’ve been very self-conscious of my body. It’s not because of the stretchmarks, or even because I’ve got a bit of a mummy pouch, from the excess skin off my bump. I think women should be proud of their post-baby bodies – I just can’t bring myself to be proud of mine, because it’s not normal. Exactly the same way as I disliked my bump, because it didn’t look like ‘normal’ bumps, I don’t have a normal post-baby belly.

There was a post on one of the parenting Facebook groups I’m on the other day, from a woman who was worried about the state of her tummy two weeks after giving birth. People were incredulous. “It’s been two weeks!” they posted. “Enjoy your babies! There’s time to lose weight afterwards!”. But, inevitably, there were some people who posted their own pictures, of washboard stomachs just six weeks post-partum.

To combat it, the Facebook page started a new post, inviting members to post pictures of their post-baby bodies. Inevitably, that too was filled up with pictures of people’s progress; of how they’d lost all the baby weight and more within weeks, and had been back at the gym six days after giving birth. I’m not saying these people shouldn’t be proud, and I’m not saying they shouldn’t post pictures. I’m certainly not saying that they should be ashamed of having lost weight or gone back to the gym; it’s a great achievement. The problem is that a small minority (bolded so that no-one accuses me of saying everybody does this) of these people assume that everyone can do the same; that everyone can spare two hours a day to go to the gym, that everyone has the childcare available and that everyone’s body type lends itself to snapping back into place. They also have a tendency to shame those parents who don’t make the same effort, saying that there is ‘no excuse’ for not losing the weight.

Do you know what? I don’t have an excuse. But I don’t need an excuse. I didn’t want to get straight to the gym. Losing the weight wasn’t as huge a priority for me as it is for others. I had essays to submit, and once those were submitted, I had no time to go to the gym anyway. With D working long hours, when he came home from work I’d catch up on sleep. I was terrified to be away from SB anyway – going to the gym just wasn’t a priority of mine. That’s not to say that the parents who did prioritise the gym did so over their babies, or that they are bad parents – not at all. Just that it was important to them; it wasn’t as important to me.

But still, I couldn’t deny that seeing those posts made me feel a little bit rubbish, especially the ones saying there was no excuse for not losing the weight. I’m seventeen months post-partum, and have come out the other side of post-natal depression and anxiety. What sort of effect would it have on a new mum, still in the grip of the baby blues or full-blown PND, struggling to find the time to even eat let alone get to the gym?

So I decided it was time to overcome my fear of people seeing and judging my post-baby belly, to overcome the fear of people seeing my scar. If people recoil in horror, that’s their lookout. My scar saved my life and my body carried the most beautiful, perfect baby I have ever seen, and I refuse to be ashamed of either of those things for one moment longer. It isn’t flat, it isn’t pretty and it doesn’t compare to all those taut tummies posted on the page, but it was time to represent those who haven’t melted off the baby weight; those without perfect post-baby bodies – people with scars and imperfections that make them self-conscious.

Being proud of our body’s achievements shouldn’t just be the reserve of those who have lost their baby weight. We’ve all done amazing thing with our bodies, we’ve all grown little human beings, and brought them into the world – whether through the door or through the sunroof. That’s pretty freaking amazing. I posted this picture on the page, and also on my blog’s Facebook page, but I think it’s important to do this longer post, explaining why I think we should all be proud of our bodies. It shouldn’t be taboo to share our imperfect post-baby bodies. Just like stretch marks are tiger stripes; ‘mummy tummies’ are the remnants of what kept our babies safe for nine months.

So here’s my post-baby body; shared in the hope that other people will feel able to share theirs too. Whether it’s flat at six weeks post-partum or still like mine two or three years down the line, we should be proud of what we have done, and not scared to show it.

‘Baby Faced Mums’ – My Thoughts

So, after a pretty nerve-wracking Monday, we settled down in front of the TV to watch ‘Baby Faced Mums’. My Facebook was already going crazy, with people tagging me in posts as they sat down to watch it, and I was feeling more than a little bit nervous. Having seen the Twitter vitriol last week, I’d switched Twitter off and promised myself I wouldn’t chance reading any of the comments until afterwards.

So we watched… and I was really, pleasantly surprised. I felt like we came across quite well, SB was adorable as usual and hopefully we did a fair bit to challenge the stereotypes about young parents. It was so surreal to see us on TV, but from the comments I’ve seen, I’m glad people fekt we came across as a strong family – what you saw on that show is how we live on a daily basis, the banter and sickly sweet cuteness with D and singing SB’s bedtime song and everything else we were filmed doing.

We filmed a lot more than was actually shown – we filmed a segment about my blog, the day I started work and also individual conversations with the cameras; D talking about his role and me talking about dispelling myths about young parents. They were interesting segments and it’s a shame time constraints meant they couldn’t be in the final show, but we’re so pleased with how it did turn out.

I hope, more than anything, that we came across as a normal family just trying to get by. We’ve never thought we’re anything special, or any better than any other family, for the fact that we’re studying. We’re immensely proud of ourselves for continuing with our studies, but not to the extent that we think we’re any better than any other parent or any other family.

We had such a great time filming this; I love that we’ve got this show as a memento of what a great time we had, and to have a video recording of such a massive time in our lives – the time when, more than ever, we felt the difficulty of juggling university and parenthood – and showing how we came through it.

Hopefully it’s something lovely for SB to see too; not only some adorable shots of her, but it’s something for her to be proud of too, and what a claim to fame – she made her first TV appearance at just a year old! She was a born star – she loved the camera!

But my favourite part has to be after all the filming had finished, when the editor emailed me to ask how I’d gotten on in my uni results. I got Daf to snap a quick picture of me and SB with my results letter, and emailed it across. Words can’t even explain my pride at seeing the picture at the end of the show, with those words underneath it and my two proudest achievements right there – getting a 1st in my degree, and most importantly of all, our beautiful, funny, healthy, intelligent daughter.

If the show made our lives seem pretty damn good… that’s because right now, they are.

If you missed the episode and would like to see it, it’s available on 5 On Demand, here.

It’s Tomorrow…

Tomorrow, our episode of “Baby Faced Mums” is on the channel 5*, between 8-9pm. I’m really nervous.

I’ll be avoiding Twitter like the plague from about 7:30pm onwards, as the Twitter reaction to last week’s show has been nothing short of disgusting, with people making snap judgements and disgusting comments based on what they’ve seen of someone’s life in the space of fifteen minutes per family. It’s already been described as ‘Fat Slags On Benefits’. Well, I’m quite aware that I’ve still got baby weight to shed (and a lot of it…) but I don’t think I’m a slag, and the only benefits we claim are child benefit and child tax credit, which every parent of any age earning under £27,000 a year is eligible for, but hey, if that’s what you want to call it…

In case anyone sees the blog on the show, as I did film a short segment about it but not sure if they’ll use it, and if you decide to check it out – welcome! I hope, if you have any doubts after watching the show, that reading a slightly larger snapshot of our lives clears things up for you.

If not, and you still have any doubts, well… there’s not going to be any reasoning with you, is there? You’ve made up your mind, and that’s fine. Ignorance is bliss. Sorry, I promise that’s the last passive aggressive “YOU’RE WRONG” comment I’m going to make. From here on in, they shall all be outwardly and unashamedly aggressive.

I am not ashamed of our life, and, assuming that the show hasn’t been edited beyond belief, I will be unashamed of what you see on the programme tomorrow. That really has been our lives for the last year – getting up in the morning, the madness of the getting-ready-rush, dropping SB off at nursery, going to university all day before going home and having family time. And now it’s similar, but for the fact that I go to work rather than university. That’s our life; what you see is what you get.

What I hope will come across more than that is how I feel about the judgements and the stereotypes and the way society views young mothers, and mothers in general. I don’t care if I come across as opinionated or a bitch; what matters more is that you see three things – that I love my daughter more than life itself, that I am proud of my choices and my achievements, and that I will never stop fighting the prejudice and stereotypes young parents are faced with, even when my days of ‘young parenthood’ are long behind me.

The mums on the show so far, by and large, made the choice to get pregnant and tried to concieve. For me, falling pregnant was an accident, but having SB was a choice we made, and the choice I am most proud of. I had an unplanned pregnancy, but SB was not a mistake, and I hope the show will make that distinction – even though I never intended to get pregnant, I don’t regret a thing.

No, I never think about all the things I could have done. No, I don’t miss nights out – I still managed a couple. No, I don’t regret not going on foreign holidays – I hate the heat and I hate nightclubs. No, I don’t regret not “making more of my youth” – I used my youth to make a freaking baby, what else was I supposed to make of it?

I will make no apologies for being proud to be a young mum; I will make no apologies for being proud of my achievements. You’re probably getting the general theme here, but I will apologise for nothing you will see in tomorrow’s show, because that is our life. We’ve always been very much “what you see is what you get”, and hopefully what you’ll see tomorrow is our small family, just doing our best to get by, giving our daughter role models to aspire to and giving her just as good a life as any other child, regardless of their parents’ age.

And if, after watching tomorrow’s episode, you’re still not convinced that we’re good parents, or think that we’re irresponsible, or doubt that we’re good role models for SB – well, just take a look at this, and tell me if you think there is anything to be worried about where this child is concerned (well, apart from my shoddy camera skills)…