It may not be on the syllabus, but university is actually great preparation for having a child.
Bear with me, because I can imagine you looking at your computer/phone/viewing implement of choice like “Say whaa?”, but I’m totally serious. I present to you, five ways in which university totally prepares you for life as a parent.
- Toddlers and drunk students are basically the same thing. They stagger around. They cry over bizarre things. They may piss, puke and poop at any given moment, with no attempt made to reach a toilet first. If you can handle your best friend on Jaegerbomb Giveaway SU Thursday at the student bar, you can totally handle a toddler.
- You make (and eat) some really weird concoctions. Noodle-toast-sandwiches are very much a student creation. It’s also what I had for dinner the other day, after a day of toddler-wrangling left me unable to face cooking anything else. Don’t even get me started on what the toddler eats. Oh, you’d like pasta, hot dog sausages and peas? Yep, eighteen-year-old me agrees with you, SB.
- Everyone around you sees you as a nuisance. Whether you’re riding up and down the supermarket aisles in a shopping trolley collecting all the cheap booze, or your toddler is having a tantrum about being strapped in, everyone around you makes it clear you’re not welcome.
- Night-time is never safe. Whether you’re being woken up at 2am by a drunken rendition of the Welsh national anthem (
I may or may not have done this to one of my best friends in first year) or by a toddler who thinks 2am is the ideal time to start having a tea party with her teddies, you can guarantee your sleep is going to be disturbed.
- Your food is never actually yours. The difference is, your child waits until it’s in your hand before they start demanding it. Students just grab it straight out of the fridge. On the other hand, toddlers don’t give a shit if you’ve attached a sticky label saying “MADDY WILL MURDER YOU IF YOU EAT THIS” to every item of your food, whereas it may deter student food thieves (not guaranteed).
So there we have it. When you graduate, not only are you getting a fancy cap and gown and a certificate, you’re also gaining the knowledge that you are totally ready to raise a child, and prepared for every challenge parenting is going to throw your way.
Ha. Yeah, right.