SB is poorly at the moment (not that you’d ever tell) and because she’s on antibiotics, she couldn’t go to nursery.
My saintly, perfect-parent dreams were of a day snuggled up on the sofa watching
dear God anything but Frozen on repeat. Of course, SB is a hyperactive toddler and shows zero signs of actually being ill, so we did what any good, responsible parent would do – and took her to the aquarium.
I’ll start off by saying it was brilliant, and SB really enjoyed it. We had some new words (“otter” being the cutest), she got a cuddly toy ray (which we have called “Finn”, in homage to Star Wars – Finn and Rey, geddit?), and she loved pulling faces at all of the fish.
However, visiting an aquarium with a toddler is a very different experience to visiting an aquarium as a childless adult. I present to you, the thoughts that crossed my mind as we strolled around Blue Planet this morning.
- I hope that glass is strong.
- Oh, look SB! An axolotl! Can you say “axolotl”?
- Fuck me. I’m that parent. I’m the parent loudly trying to teach her one-year-old to say “axolotl”. Someone do me a favour and kill me now?
- We should’ve weaned SB off her dummy before coming here. It’s going to end up in the crocodile pool. Shit.
- At this rate, SB is going to end up swimming with rays. Hold still.
- Taught my daughter to say “ribbit” like a frog. Totes nailing this parenting thing.
- Loudly proclaimed “oh shit” as I realised a frog was near my face (separated by glass, but still). Any parenting points immediately lost.
- Do I make SB miss out on seeing the octopus just in case I freak out, or do I face my fear and risk having a total panic attack and passing on my fear of octopus to my child?
- Yeah sorry SB I think the octopus is asleep, aww what a shame let’s move along.
- Still saw a tentacle out of the corner of my eye. Stay cool.
- I really hope this glass is strong.
- WOW, SB, look at these tarantulas!
- So I can cope with giant hairy spiders but not an octopus tentacle? I should not have been allowed to procreate.
- Extremely venomous… shit, I hope this glass is strong.
So if you’re wondering how life will change when you have a child, I can tell you that trips to the aquarium will involve a lot of hoping that glass is strong, and hypothesising how you’d explain to the staff that your child’s dummy/toy/the child itself ended up in the tank with the Nemo fish.