Look at those rosy cheeks. Those bright blue eyes. That coquettish pose.
The Elf On The Shelf is a craze that seems to have taken America by storm, and has now swept across the UK too. That little elf… thing has won the hearts of millions of parents across the globe with his hotline to Father Christmas and his loveable antics… but is he all that he appears?
I offer up the suggestion that the Elf On The Shelf is not who you think he is – and give you ten reasons why you will not be finding this little red-clothed sweetie/hellbeast from the fiery pits of jingle hell on my shelf any time soon…
(I hope you like my top-notch Microsoft Paint skills there, turning kindly Jingle Pants or Joy Socks (what is it with combining an upbeat, jolly word with underwear?!) into Satan’s Minion).
- The Name. Seeing as I’ve already talked about the names you can give your Elf On The Shelf, I’ll make it the first point in my list. You’re supposed to give it a happy, jolly name like Cupcake or Snowball (search Pinterest for “Elf On The Shelf name” and you will find dozens of pins devoted to coming up with the perfect title for your little home invader). Surely once the kids are in bed, poor Elfie only gets known by “little prick” or “ya wee fucker” or “Jingledick Buttnugget” as desperate parents try to wrestle him onto their child’s ‘My Little Pony’ ready for the morning?
- The Concept. Santa is getting into some weird 1984-style shit the last few years. Rather than installing “Big Brother Is Watching You” cameras everywhere, apparently he’s just sending his little Private Investigator elves into children’s homes to make sure they’re behaving. Guys, I hate to educate through song, but… “He knows if you’ve been bad or good so be good for goodness’ sake!”. Santa knows. He doesn’t need his Orwellian scouts to take up residence in people’s homes! So why are these elves so desperate to get in…?
- The Doll. Come on… it’s just creepy as shit. What does he have to look so pleased about? What is he hiding behind that self-satisfied smirk?
- The Moaning. We’ve reached mid-December, so there’s already been a few moans and whinges about having to come up with new ideas for the Elf on the Shelf. Loathe though I am to point out that you ordered the bloody thing off Amazon – I mean, from the North Pole – in the first place, you have kind of brought this on yourself.
- The Activities. If you’re super-organised, mega-crafty mum then yeah, Elf on the Shelf is going to be fab. We’ve already established that I am none of those things, and poor Jinglesocks Poopypants would end up on an extended holiday to Marbella once I ran out of activities for him on December 3rd.
- The Instagram. Oh god. Is there a way of blocking hashtags? I don’t want to see what Numbnuts got up to last night. Let’s just put a total block on #ElfOnTheShelf, #EOTS and just about anything related to elves and/or shelves (sorry DIY stores, I’m boycotting you guys too this December).
- He’s a Bad Influence. I have seen far too many pictures of Elsa freezing Twinkletwat to know that there is corruption afoot in households up and down the UK. Elves may come and go, but Elsa is forever (why God why?!), and you’ll be the one having to deal with that behaviour once Christmas is done.
- HE’S SO CREEPY. What is with the pose? I mean, really? If you’re a scout elf you’ve got to be at least eighteen years old, and you’re sitting there in a onesie and matching hat. That’s nothing to be proud of, much less sit there like you’re waiting for a macho sailor to come and sweep you off your feet.
- Kids Get Attached. How are they going to feel on Christmas Eve, when their beloved elf flies back to
Hellthe North Pole? Way to have tears on Christmas morning…
- HE’S, LIKE, REALLY SUPER CREEPY. Okay so he comes into your home, beguiles you all with his
creepypretty eyes, watches your children creepily,reports back to Father Christmas like a little creep , gets away with all the things you tell your children not to do all year around – AND you pay almost $30 for the experience of having a shitey little onesie-clad freaky Jinglefuck Cockbutter sitting on your freaking bookshelf? ON WHAT PLANET IS THIS NOT a) creepy and b)a total friggin’ con?!?!
Okay, so we’ve established that I’m a teeny tiny bit biased against Elf On The Shelf because I have a deep-seated hatred of him – but seriously, am I missing something amazing about this little elf? Will I suddenly, magically understand in a few years’ time? What is it about this
demonic creepy little elf that has everyone under his spell?
As a bonus “reason this will never happen”, Daf and I couldn’t control our childish sides. We’d have Jinglefuck doing lines of icing-sugar coke on the kitchen counter tops and reading teeny tiny porn magazines. In fact, maybe one year we’ll do an alternative – the Anti-Elf?
Still, for now that elf has the world eating out of the palm of his tiny plastic hand, so I’m just going to have to deal with the Instagram hashtags and the constant references to Twinkleballsack – but don’t for one second think you’re getting away with your evil plans, Elf and all your minions…
I’m onto you.