Having exhausted pretty much all of Charlie and Lola on the BBC iPlayer, and with Furchester Hotel over, I am left with no choice but to subject my child to Octonauts. I know everyone raves about this programme, but… seriously? The name itself brings me out in a cold sweat.
I have cephalophobia (I have literally just this second found out that this is the name for a fear of octopus, which I also saw referred to as “being a pussy” and “you’re just a freak” during my search for the official name) and have done for a fair few years. This has involved having a crying breakdown in an aquarium at the age of 19 when I realised I was in the same room as an octopus, so as you can imagine, I don’t take it too lightly.
My thoughts on watching Octonauts are as follows…
- Why the hell would you want to live in a giant metal octopus?
- Oh, for fucks’ sake, they’ve got an octopus on their stupid little hats.
- Why does the octopus character travel around in a moving chair when he has eight legs? And why does he have a monocle?
- Because he’s secretly a super-genius mega-villain evil-octopus, that’s why.
- Watching this is giving me palpitations.
- SB doesn’t even give a shit. She’s reading her book. Why am I still watching?
- Their emergency button is shaped like an octopus. Imagine if all emergency buttons were shaped like octopuses? I’d be crap in an emergency. I’d never be able to press the button.
- Why does the cat wear an eyepatch?
- Why does the monocle octopus have cat ears? Have they literally made an ‘octopussy’ joke?
- Why is he wearing a bow tie? Where is he going that calls for such formal attire?
- What sick fuck came up with this idea?
And just when I thought it couldn’t get any worse… it finished, and Kate & Mim-Mim came on.
The sooner SB is happy to watch me play PS4 in the mornings, the better…