A Toddler’s Personal Statement

With my Masters applications suddenly in full swing and personal statement drafts here, there and everywhere, I started wondering (as you do) what it would be like if SB wrote a personal statement. I used to be one of The Student Room’s Personal Statement helpers (ahem, NERD ALERT) so fingers crossed, she’d get into any of the top Russell Group nurseries with this killer statement. (Are RG nurseries a thing? Please tell me they aren’t…).

personal statement

MY PERSONAL STATEMENT by SB, aged nineteen months

It has been said that the smallest feet make the biggest footprints in our hearts. I, for one, have absolutely tiny feet, and I intend to make a huge footprint on the world.

I have wanted to be a toddler for as long as I can remember – indeed, since I entered this world nineteen months ago, it has been my dream to one day walk in the footsteps of such greats as Albert Einstein, Marie Curie and Mr Tumble. I feel I have made a good start – for I am a toddler, and they were all toddlers at some point too.

In terms of experience, I have nineteen months of experience of pooping, and have produced a variety in my time. I feel that this length of experience has considerably enhanced my skills to a point where soon, I will no longer insist on sticking my hands in every single one I produce – but for now, I am still learning.

I am also a highly skilled eater – one of the most highly skilled eaters I know of, actually. You see, not only do I eat normal foodstuffs like Babybels, fromage frais and cake – I am also a skilled consumer of crayon, fluff and – on occasion – the aforementioned poop. I feel this wide palate has prepared me adequately for childhood.

Toddlerhood has improved my acting skills threefold; I have mastered the ‘happy face’, ‘sad face’ and ‘surprised face’, and can perform these on demand. I am currently working on ‘angry face’, ‘sucked-a-lemon face’ and ‘shocked face’, but I predict that these will be mastered in no time if I am successful in my application. My tutors (they call themselves Mama and Dada, but I know them as The Incubator and The One Who Stops Me Pulling The TV On Top Of Myself) are very pleased with my progress, and practically wet themselves in delight every time I master a new face, which should go some way to highlight how advanced my skills are.

Other examples of relevant skills include preferring the box to whatever expensive present “Mama” and “Dada” have bought for me, yelling “MINE!” whenever I see them holding something and spinning around in circles until I fall onto my bottom. I have excellent tracking skills, and can sniff out the dirtiest, smelliest, stickiest objects a mile away so that I can put my hands on them, and I have recently learned to identify the sounds of: a) a Babybel wrapper being opened; b) a banana being peeled and c) “Mama” or “Dada” eating something. Using classical conditioning, I have trained myself to scream until they hand the Babybel/banana/whatever they are eating to me, and I have trained them to hold cushions over their faces or run into different rooms to eat something. They think that I don’t see, but I’m well aware of what they’re doing, and it’s rather hilarious.

My future ambitions include fooling my parents into thinking I am potty trained, so that they will let me run around the house without my nappy on and hone my skills in poo-hiding, widening my palate by eating more objects like paperclips and small toys, and lulling my parents into a false sense of security so they provide me with a brother or sister to train up as a minion/partner in crime.

As you can see, I am more than qualified for a place in your hallowed institution of toddlerhood, and I hope my application is successful. Rest assured, if it is not, I will throw a public tantrum and embarrass you into giving me my way. It has always worked so far.

As a quick note, if you’ve come to this post looking for personal statement advice, please seek it elsewhere. Writing this made me SB go against every guideline and rule in the book (Don’t begin your statement with a quote, don’t use words like “passionate”, don’t say “ever since I was a child/for as long as I can remember I have wanted to _______”, don’t appeal directly to the person reading the statement, don’t boast about your pooping skills etc) and if she was applying to a real university with this statement, I wouldn’t rate her chances of getting in too highly (I will, however, be writing a post on personal statement tips in the next few months).

But there we go. Handily, this personal statement also serves as a nineteen month update for SB, because it pretty much sums up everything we’ve experienced with her recently. Crossing my fingers that she will get out of the “I MUST TOUCH THE CONTENTS OF MY NAPPY” stage soon… I won’t be missing that phase one bit.

What would your little one include in their personal statement? Let me know in the comments!

mamamim.comMummuddlingthrough

Ethan & Evelyn

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51 thoughts on “A Toddler’s Personal Statement

  1. Faye Elizabeth says:

    Willows would include “master of getting people to do exactly what I want, when I want to do it, simply by throwing my self onto the floor, incessantly shouting the word no, and coughing until I heave. That never fails to grab the attention of my puke – fearing mother, who, when I preform my act, complies with each demand I put forward.”

    Liked by 1 person

  2. amiecaitlin says:

    This is brilliant. I’m writing Cover Letters daily at the moment – not all that different to a personal statement – and this really made me chuckle. My daughter is 19m as well, but luckily, we’ve never had the ‘I must touch poo’ phase.

    Like

  3. Jess Powell says:

    This cracked me up – I read it out to the OH too. 🙂 I think my fave bit was the ‘I will fool my parents into thinking I’m potty trained’, I can definitely see that one coming in the near future. #KCACOLS

    Like

  4. chloelifeunexpected says:

    hahaha this is absolutely brilliant. I laughed so much!!! Oh I definitely don’t miss the days of writing personal statements. This all sounds so much like my 19 month old. xxx #KCACOLS.

    Like

  5. mommyslittleprincesses says:

    Lol this was fantastically funny. Holly has not only mastered the meltdowns of all meltdowns but she also mastered how to make you feel bad after telling her off. She screws up her little face as tears begin to roll down her little cheeks and wait for it because here it comes….*she asks for a cuddle* cue feel bad muchly!xx #KCACOLS

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  6. Mrs Tubbs says:

    So funny! I’m pretty sure that any personal statement from my 12 year old includes comments about how a messy room is perfectly acceptable whatever mum and dad say, that homework is terrible and that Blue Bloods (US cop show) should have a channel of its own.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Angela Milnes says:

    ha ha! I remember when my daughter said mine all the time. I enjoyed your post. It made me smile. It’s almost like a baby cv lol!

    Angela

    Like

  8. Oana says:

    Mine is six now and in school so a new set of skills has been acquired: pouting, not looking me in the eye when I speak, saying “whatever” to everything I say and doesn’t agree with her life principles and always asking for cake, in the calculated ratio of 9 rejections and 1 win ;-).xx

    Like

  9. A Moment with Franca says:

    What a funny post!! I enjoyed reading this!! My daughter is not potty trained yet but I’m trying to start and I can see what is coming now!!I’m not looking forward to the nappy phase again!! Thanks for sharing this at #KCACOLS. As always I’m very happy to have you here!! 🙂 xxx

    Like

  10. plutoniumsox says:

    Haha brilliant personal statement, I love it! I think my two would have to say that they come as a pair – they’re so attached to each other I can’t imagine one without the other at the moment. They would be experts in causing double trouble!x

    Liked by 1 person

  11. ethannevelyn.com says:

    This is such a cute post! Well done! I love how creative your writing is. It is super! SB sound pretty much like my Evelyn. She is 19 months too. The tantrums are starting to come out now. Ohhhh…. The joy of trouble 2 is coming full on! Lol! Thank you for linking up with me. #FabFridayPost x

    Like

  12. traceyb1981 says:

    Haha this was a great read sounds like you have your hands full! I do not miss this stage at all. My niece is a similar age and can add extra skills as a Megan Trainer tribute artist (thanks to her older sister and my daughter) and is currently auditioning for a part in Descendants by needing to watch it constantly! #KCACOLS

    Like

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