- Character Impersonations. It doesn’t matter how good it is, or how much it makes your baby giggle. Potential employers don’t want to hear your Makka Pakka impression.
- Funny-Face Pulling. Great, so it stops your six-month-old from crying. But how exactly does it make you a better financial advisor, exactly?
- Nappy Changing. Suffice to say, although problem solving skills are valued in any industry, your colleagues will be able to deal with that particular problem themselves.
- Baby Signing. Don’t be tempted to include ‘British Sign Language’ on your list of additional skills, if the signs you know amount to nothing more than “potty”, “milk” and “teddy”.
- Jo Jingles Karaoke Queen. This one is for the performers out there. No, having “I make a valued contribution to Rhythm-And-Rhyme-Time at the local village hall, and my rendition of ‘And Bingo Was His Name-O’ leaves tears in everyone’s eyes” on your CV will not enhance your credentials as a singer.
- Nursery Rhyme Memorization. There’s a second verse to “Wind The Bobbin Up”? And you know it? That’s something you may want to keep to yourself.
- Toddler Wrestling. This isn’t something you should boast about anywhere, let alone on a CV. Okay, so you know that it’s referring to the difficult task of forcing your eighteen month old to wear some goddamn people clothes, but to other people, it looks like you’ve got a makeshift wrestling ring set up in your backyard and like practising body-slams on your unsuspecting tot.
- Stealth. Yes, it’s great that you have figured out how to negotiate a toy-strewn floor without stepping on the squeaky duck or the ‘lights and sound glowy shiny plastic shit’ and waking up the baby, but unless you’re applying for a role as a Professional ‘The Floor Is Lava’ Player, it’s not going to be much use on your CV. (As an aside, if you do see any vacancies for a Professional ‘The Floor Is Lava’ Player, send them my way).
- The ability to function on zero sleep. There’s “function” and there’s “actually work like a normal human being”. Most parents fall into the first category. Don’t advertise the fact that you’ll be spending your days shuffling and groaning like a zombie because you spent most of last night winding up the baby’s cot mobile to try and get them to sleep.
- Negotiation. Difficult though it is, negotiating with a toddler is NOT equitable to negotiating with a terrorist, so please don’t make the mistake of thinking that ‘Expert tantrum diffusing skills’ will make your CV more impressive to the bosses at MI5. Take it from me.
Can you tell I’m trying to spruce up my CV during this little ‘career break’ I’m taking?
What about you – what skills have you gained through parenting that really wouldn’t go down well on your CV? Leave a comment below!
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