It was inevitable, really, that now SB is growing up and becoming much more toddler-y, leaving her days of babyhood behind, that thoughts would start to drift towards snuggly newborn cuddles, and sniffing a tiny baby head once more (don’t judge me, it’s an addiction). Yes, as I’ve mentioned previously in the blog, the topic of Baby #2 (that’s number two, not that we’re considering calling the baby Hashtag-Two – although I’ll keep the name idea in mind…) has most certainly cropped up and been discussed.
I’ll be honest, the thought of SB being a sibling makes me all melty inside, and I love the idea of having another baby. The thought of going through pregnancy again makes me feel a bit sick (not sure I could manage the first sixteen weeks of morning sickness, having only just started a brand new job), and as much as I loved giving birth, the newborn days were such a struggle, and SB is still so teeny tiny, that the thought of trying to cope with her and a newborn puts a little bit of fear into me.
When I see her kissing us, or stroking our faces, or touching the animals in her Touch And Feel book and saying ‘Aahh’, I do think what an excellent big sister she’ll make. Then I remember that in five minutes time she’ll be crawling over us, grabbing our arms to get our attention and occasionally biting, and I realise that for us, now is not the time.
That’s not to say I want to wait forever. I may be nervous of those newborn days, but I want them so badly. I want to see SB as a big sister, I want to give her a sibling that she can grow up with and I want our family to grow. I love my job, and all my energy is devoted to that at the moment, but I can’t wait to be able to start thinking about it. I’d always said that, as SB wasn’t planned, we’d hold off on any more for five years or so, but that was for fear of what people would say.
I know what people will say. I’m twenty, what on Earth am I doing planning Baby #2 (I’m really starting to like the sound of that name, Hashtag-Two has a ring to it…), I could be doing blah de blah de blah… but having a family is a massive part of my life plan. I don’t want to be waiting until I’m thirty to try for another. It works for some people, but I can’t imagine it for us. People will judge – they always do – and people will think we’re stupid, but people thought I was stupid for having SB at 19 and while still at uni.
I’m not going to waste any more time trying to excuse my feelings, and I won’t entertain people who think I’m a child ‘playing’ at being an adult. I wouldn’t dream of telling you what to do with your life; when you should try for kids and when you shouldn’t – so please, if you read this and feel inclined to tell me that I’d be making a mistake, stop for a moment and consider whether you’re really thinking about my situation, or whether you’re applying it to your own. You can judge, and I’m sure many of you will, but unless you can look at our daughter and tell me that she isn’t happy, healthy, intelligent and well-cared for, you can’t convincingly tell me that we can’t be trusted to make our own decisions with regards to our families.
I wonder if this is an issue most young parents face? When it comes to planning #2, people forget that you’ve grown and matured, and you’re still the ‘child’ you were (even if you were 18, 19, even 20 years old) when you first fell pregnant unexpectedly. Can we ever plan a subsequent pregnancy at a time that suits us, without being told we’re irresponsible, or rushing into things? The sort of age gap we’re looking at with SB would be absolutely, perfectly acceptable in any family – so why do I still feel so nervous about what the next year or so holds?
Still, this blog has always and will always promise to be honest and blunt, so that’s what it will be. I won’t mess around with ‘ooh, maybes’ and ‘potentially’s. That’s not how I’ve ever been, and I don’t intend to change now. All being well, we’ll start trying in January 2016. It’s exciting, scary, nervous – every feeling imaginable, all rolled into one. Sometimes I catch myself wondering what I’m so scared about – I’ve had a baby before, it’s all been there, done that. The difference is, we’ve never tried for a baby before. We’ve never been part of that confusing, scary world that is ‘TTC’ – full of uncertainty and bulk-buying boxes of cheap pregnancy tests on eBay because people go through too many a month to justify ClearBlue tests.
It’s terrifying, but it’s exciting too. If it wasn’t exciting, we wouldn’t contemplate it. We’ll assess when the time comes, whether SB is ready (and, of course, whether we’ll be ready). I’m not going into this totally blinkered – it could take months. We do understand just how lucky we were to fall pregnant accidentally, especially as I had no idea (and still don’t, really) what my cycle was like. It could take us a very long time this time, and we’re aware of that.
Still, I can’t help but get a teeny, tiny bit excited at the idea that in a year’s time, I could be posting pregnancy updates again.
Bonus picture for the week – did I ever mention that my nickname at uni was ‘Statistic’? Well, my course hoodie arrived, and look what’s on the back…