Under Pressure…

Oh god. My dissertation practical is in less than a month, and what have I done?

Well, as of two days ago, I’ve changed the topic, and am starting from scratch.

This may sound crazy (because it is), but I’ve got a good reason. See, I thought all along that the biggest obstacle in getting my dissertation done would be parenting. It’s not easy to write and plan a 25 minute performance, followed by a 5,500 word essay with a baby, right?

Actually, the baby isn’t the problem. My body is.

I went to the doctors last week, and it turns out I have a hernia on one side, and ‘something’ wrong with my gallbladder on the other side. All of this combines to create a hell of a lot of discomfort and pain, to the extent where I’m on Tramadol as Cocodamol wasn’t doing the trick. As I learned last night, Tramadol knocks you out.

So I’m now attempting to complete my dissertation, not only with a nine-month-old baby, but off my face on opiate-based drugs. I’m either going to crash and burn and submit nothing at all, or these drugs will make for some very interesting reading for my lecturers. I had to start again, as with scans and various hospital trips in the last week alone, I don’t know when I can get into uni to hold rehearsals – so instead, my dissertation has become a one-woman verbatim theatre piece.

It hasn’t made it any easier, but at least it looks like it might actually be possible now.

I’m fully prepared for the fact that I may not be graduating with my friends after all, and I know deep down that the grade for this dissertation will be nothing like the grade I could’ve achieved with my old idea. And yep, I am a little bitter, and furious at my body for this, but there’s not a huge amount I can do. Sod’s law, I guess.

But I will be unspeakably angry if, after everything – pregnancy through second year, submitting essays with a two week old baby, and everything through third year – if I am toppled at the last hurdle now by a hernia and a faulty gallbladder. So all I can do is give it my best shot.

It’s crazy how, in my head, the biggest obstacle to achieving in third year was always going to be SB. I couldn’t picture anything else making it difficult to finish my degree. I should’ve guessed, what with SB being SuperHappyMegaCalmAwesomeBaby™ that something would come along and make life that little bit harder. Nothing’s ever simple.

But hey! I’ll graduate at some point, whether it’s this year or next. As long as my baby is proud of me, that’s all that matters.

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