In the immortal words of the ever-funeral-ready Coldplay, ‘nobody said it was easy’. And now I wonder if, although I listened and took their words to heart, I maybe didn’t take it seriously enough? I’ve hit a definite speed bump (pun totally intended) the past few days. I don’t know what’s brought it on, but I’m over-sensitive and feeling alone – it’s led me to cut off avenues of support; leaving one parenting group I was part of, and temporarily blocking notifications for another until I’m ready for it again. Maybe it’s not the best decision, but it’s one that I felt the need to make.
It’s making me make impulsive decisions that I regret later – something as trivial as today, we went shopping. I got halfway around and, even though I’m not struggling for money right now, I abandoned my basket because I felt like I shouldn’t spend money. When I got home I sobbed, because I’d found a beautiful necklace with SB’s initial on it, the very last one. It had been tossed aside with the rest of my shopping basket, and it was only when I got home that I realised just how bastarding much I’d wanted that necklace. I’m dreading leaving her in the nursery, and I’ve been looking for a necklace with her initial on for ages, to keep with me during lectures. This one was perfect, and I know that when I go back to the shop, chances are it’ll be long gone.
I could go on about how terrible today has been – it’s involved a lot of bad luck, a few bad decisions and a big lack of self-confidence – but I’d rather look towards tomorrow, and just hope and pray to whatever god, higher being or chance that has pissed itself laughing at me today, finds someone else to pick on tomorrow.