Things you ABSOLUTELY NEED as a new mum… and things you don’t

ITEMS YOU ABSOLUTELY NEED

BISCUITS

Well something has to fill the space where the baby was, and it isn’t going to be muscle, is it? In all seriousness, my pregnancy cravings have been replaced by normal hormonal new mother cravings. And it is all biscuits, all the time.

A COT MOBILE

For your baby, of course (although, if you want the ahem adult one in the picture, there’s nothing to stop you). I’m certain they contain some kind of sedative. SB can’t get enough of hers, and it sends her to sleep like magic. Of course, we have to wind it up every thirty seconds, and the tune of ‘When You Wish Upon A Star’ makes me want to claw my eyes out and feed them to the ghost of Walt Sodding Disney, but hey, it keeps her happy.

FRIENDS WHO ARE ALSO MOTHERS

I can’t be sure on this, because I have no ‘mommy friends’, but I’m sure they’d be much happier to hear about SB’s amazing poops and projectile vomits than my university friends are.

A CAMERA

Because babies do cute stuff like this…

…and You’ve Been Framed pay £250 when they do funny shit like this –

COMFY TROUSERS

For that ‘maternity clothes are too big but people clothes are too small’ stage. And it won’t matter if you cover them in biscuit crumbs. Which you will.

…AND THINGS YOU DON’T

 A TOP-AND-TAIL BOWL

That right there, ladies and gents, is called a washing up bowl. You can get them for 80p at Wilkos, and they contain enough water to wash your baby’s entire body (in fact, you can even use it as a baby bath!). But of course, people still buy these ‘Top-And-Tail’ bowls, because they’re designed for babies. All it is is two separate bowls, one for washing the baby’s face – the ‘top’ – and the other for its bum – the ‘tail’. You are paying a fiver for two small plastic bowls stuck together.

EXERSIZE

Let’s see… eleven weeks ago a small human ripped its way out of my body, via my vagina. THAT’S my excuse.

THAT ATTITUDE

This is a phenomenon known as Mommyjacking, which is disturbing and hilarious in equal measures – it’s taking to social media to let everyone know that regardless of their troubles and stress, their lives are never as stressful as a mom’s. Whatever their achievement is, it’s nothing like having a baby. Life isn’t complete until you’ve procreated. In short, it’s smug and annoying – avoid at all costs, if you want any friends.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s