Some are fine, others… not so much.
1. The introductory ’20 Questions’. When was she born? What time? How much did she weigh? Bottle or breastfeeding? How long is she? How was the birth? Did you have an epidural? The list goes on. These are perfectly normal and you’ll probably find it quite nice to be able to answer the questions at last – no doubt you’ve spent the last nine months wondering what the answers will be, so getting to say them out loud was a bit of a treat really.
2. ‘You’ll never sleep again’. Because I haven’t just spent the last six months dealing with pregnancy insomnia, constant night wakings to go to the toilet, unbearable pain in my spine, the inability to get comfortable and a tiny human Irish-dancing inside me? Yeah, sleep deprivation will be an entirely new concept.
3. ‘Is she good for you?’. I understand the reasoning behind asking, and I understand what they really mean – does she cry much, does she sleep through the night, etc – but this question always makes me giggle. I get visions of my tiny newborn daughter shoplifting and spraying graffiti on walls. Do people really answer this question with “No, she’s horrible”?
4. ‘When are you having another?’. Just the thought of doing a wee sends shivers down my spine, that’s how sore I am. The thought of actually having sex ever again is enough to make me feel a little bit sick at the thought of the pain right now, much less actually pushing another tiny human out. Ouch. I’m wincing at the very thought of it. Plus, isn’t one unplanned teenage pregnancy enough for now? I’ve only got two months left of being a teenager, I’d like to escape my teenage years without any more ‘mishaps’ (as wonderful and cute as these mishaps turn out to be).
5. ‘Bet you’re a real mess down there!’. Yes. Yes I am. Thank you for your interest.
6. ‘When are you going to do this/that/the other?’. When I’m good and ready. When am I going to bring the baby to you? When I can move again and want to leave the house rather than hiding with my baby and boyfriend under my duvet. When am I going to send you that thing I promised you? When I can remember something other than how long ago SB was last fed/had her nappy changed/had a bath. When am I going to run a marathon? Never.
7. ‘Wow, she’s so small!’. This isn’t a bad thing that people say, it’s an honest observation. She’s a newborn, she was three weeks early, and although she weighed 7lb 3oz at birth, which is the average weight for a term baby, she still looks pretty tiny compared to other babies. It just makes me laugh because all I can think is, her head definitely isn’t tiny – trust me, I know.
8. ‘I bet the labour was enough to put you off having any more!’. Actually, no. Based on that labour, I’d do it again and again. I absolutely loved it, and haven’t been put off at all, but I will be waiting a few years. Labour agrees with me, pregnancy does not. And I want to enjoy my beautiful, squishy, lovely daughter!
And the best of all…
9. ‘How old is he?’. Asking whether she’s a boy or a girl is fine; some people like to go gender neutral, sometimes she’s dressed all in white, babies don’t tend to look particularly male or female. I don’t mind answering that question at all, and I won’t be offended! But when she’s out in a pink hat, pink cardigan, pink trousers and pink blanket, why ask “How old is he?”. I confronted someone and they pointed out that she was wearing ‘a flash of blue’. Barely visible underneath all the pink. But apparently that’s enough! Not that I’m offended at all…