Week 29: Giving up on Emma and her diary…

No idea where my copy of Emma’s Diary has gone. I’ve probably burned it in some hormonal rage, and baby brain has made me forget all about it.

Yep, I’m now enjoying some of the emotional side effects of pregnancy – right now they’re affecting me more than the physical ones! Most of the people I’m speaking to at the same stage as me have SPD, piles, all these ‘lovely’-sounding physical afflictions. So far the worst I’ve had physically is a knackered pelvic floor (baby knows just where to kick to get the best results, if you know what I mean), and the feeling that someone is tearing my scar apart from the inside out, taking all my muscles with it – but that’s not so much a pregnancy issue as an issue of my body, caused by pregnancy, so I tend not to count that.

It’s the emotions that I’m struggling with (but I’m assured that’s normal, there’s some kind of 30-week slump apparently, and I think I’ve hit it). My mood swings are crazy – I spent all day yesterday inexplicably happy, despite not really knowing why, and then today I’ve felt low and miserable and snappy, and I’ve cried more than once, for no apparent reason. It’s not even because the shops have run out of donuts anymore – I am at the stage of crying at absolutely nothing. I’m still in the grip of RAGE (in capitals)

Things that currently give me RAGE include –

  • My missing copy of Emma’s Diary. I don’t know why, I hate the thing, but I want to know if she’s doing something hilariously unrealistic like having a sneaky posh bread and camembert (Tiger bread and Dairylea is a great substitute, I have learned) or jetting off on her fifth babymoon so far.
  • People saying the Anti-D injection is horrible and giving me The Fear when it really isn’t that bad at all. They led me to expect an injection in my bum that would hurt for weeks and weeks and weeks. To be fair I think the nurse who did the injection was expecting tears from me because they did a load of distraction things, but I was fine. Then again I am the girl who used to volunteer to go first for injections at secondary school, so don’t take my experience as gospel. And it was in the top of my arm (which hurt for maybe 12 hours afterwards? Just a bit sore and heavy, not enough to need paracetamol or anything), not my bum, so don’t panic too much about that – I think if you ask your midwife, they’ll tell you the general procedure in your area.
  • Homesickness. I think these could fall under ‘mood swings’, but this deserves a section on its own. I don’t know if it’s because we’ve just put our application in for a flat, and it all feels very ‘final’, but it’s been a couple of weeks now since I’ve seen my family and I do feel really homesick.
  • Mood swings – I think this is what they were talking about when they mentioned the tough bit at 30 weeks. It feels so close yet so far – I’m potentially only ten weeks away from giving birth, but at the same time – I’ve got another 10 weeks of being pregnant to go. Another ten weeks of growing and stretching and waddling and knees starting to give way, and constant appointments (I think I’m now at an appointment every week, or thereabouts), and feeling like you’re not a human anymore but a vessel for this tiny human thing that everyone wants to see and poke.

Β 

On the bright side, SB’s been behaving and wriggling like the good little pickle I’ve taken to calling it (where do these nicknames come from? I was being so good and not calling it ‘bean’ or anything like that, and suddenly BAM, our baby’s name is Pickle). I’m making progress on my uni assignments, I’m getting there with the hospital bag and things for the baby, we’ve applied for a flat… life seems to be going about as smoothly as it gets when you’re pregnant, I think.

That’s not smoothly at all, in comparison to real life, but after the hurricane winds and storms we’ve been experiencing the past few weeks, the sun is shining today and I feel oddly cheerful. I can’t predict the future – I certainly can’t call it as to whether we’ll get the flat or not – but I’m pretty healthy, D is healthy (work is keeping him very busy though) and SB seems healthy too. That’s all that matters really, isn’t it?

But seriously. Whoever stole my Emma’s Diary copy, give it back. Being in a bright happy mood will NOT stop my pregnancy RAGE.

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