… when you realise that you’re probably too young for all of this.
- We heard the heartbeat at the 16 week appointment last week. It was a beautiful moment, as I imagine it is for every pregnant couple… but I imagine most say “wow”, or get emotional and tear up. I heard it and said “Holy shit”. It was amazing – I think it was also the realisation that this thing inside me isn’t just an avocado/onion/whatever fruit it is – it’s a person with a heartbeat and stuff.
- I have actually written off possible baby wriggles as “I’m probably just hungry”, rather than the other way around, which is what most women I’ve spoken to seem to do.
- I still giggle when I hear the number “sixty nine”. This isn’t really baby-related, I think it just shows a level of immaturity too deep to comprehend.
- My classmates think of it as a mascot. Worryingly, I think of it the same way sometimes… then I realise it’s an actual human living breathing baby that needs clothes and food and things. And I’m the one who has to give it that.
- I still can’t quite comprehend the fact that they’re actually (hopefully) going to let me take this little human home with me and look after it once it’s been born. I’ve only had a hamster for a month, how do they know I can take care of a small thing that is going to grow into a big thing?
- I refer to it as a “thing”. Enough said.
- My first words on seeing the pregnancy test weren’t “yay, we’re going to have a baby!”. It was “what the f*ck does a cross mean?”, followed by “oh no….”. And I genuinely regret that. I feel like the first time seeing a positive pregnancy test should be a happy, longed-for occasion… and for me, it wasn’t. I didn’t intend for this to become a serious post, but it’s only while writing this that I’ve realised how serious it feels. The only comfort is the hope that in the future, I will have that moment again, and it’ll be happy.
- I’m too nervous to tell my landlords. Yeah, this is a biggie. I don’t know why I’m nervous; it’s not like they can shout at me… “How dare you get pregnant and continue to live in my house?” or something?! But I think that’s quite a big thing that shows I’m still so nervous and maybe even a little bit ashamed to be in this situation.
- I cry a lot. A lot of the time it isn’t hormones. It’s a genuine fear that I’m not ready and I can’t do it, and a lot of the time, I say that I want to go home, and I want a hug off my Mum. I know that I won’t be able to have that – especially not when the baby’s here. We can’t just up sticks and go home whenever I want, and I’m finding that thought really hard to deal with. So much of this is so difficult to deal with, but I think the comforting thing is that it isn’t harder than I thought it would be. I’ve literally come into this expecting the very worst and then some – so I can only either be right, or it’ll be better than my expectations! That’s the way I’m looking at it anyway.
Still, despite all of it – the culture shock that hormonal outbursts proved to be, the discomfort of morning sickness, the constant barrage of feelings that I can’t do it – my determination isn’t wavering. Not once have I felt uncertain of my resolve to do my best for this baby, no matter what. Even if my best isn’t all that great, it’ll be better than nothing. Every time I hear someone asking me when I’m dropping out of uni, or if I’m getting rid of the baby (yes – I’m still getting that at 17 weeks) and questioning how I’ll get the money/time/everything for the baby, it only makes me even more determined to prove that I can do it, no matter how much my own head is screaming at me that I can’t.
Still, if you are one of the insensitive and intrusive idiots who’ve said that to me over the past few weeks, don’t think I’m giving you free reign to say those things. It’s rude, it’s insensitive, and it’s making me feel like crap about myself, and every time you say something like that, your rating on my Twat-ometer just goes up and up. For some of you, it’s sky-high right now. I’m hormonal and angry, and a Hulk outburst is on the horizon any day now. You have been warned.