Those Little Moments….

… when you realise that you’re probably too young for all of this.

  • We heard the heartbeat at the 16 week appointment last week. It was a beautiful moment, as I imagine it is for every pregnant couple… but I imagine most say “wow”, or get emotional and tear up. I heard it and said “Holy shit”. It was amazing – I think it was also the realisation that this thing inside me isn’t just an avocado/onion/whatever fruit it is – it’s a person with a heartbeat and stuff.
  • I have actually written off possible baby wriggles as “I’m probably just hungry”, rather than the other way around, which is what most women I’ve spoken to seem to do.
  • I still giggle when I hear the number “sixty nine”. This isn’t really baby-related, I think it just shows a level of immaturity too deep to comprehend.
  • My classmates think of it as a mascot. Worryingly, I think of it the same way sometimes… then I realise it’s an actual human living breathing baby that needs clothes and food and things. And I’m the one who has to give it that.
  • I still can’t quite comprehend the fact that they’re actually (hopefully) going to let me take this little human home with me and look after it once it’s been born. I’ve only had a hamster for a month, how do they know I can take care of a small thing that is going to grow into a big thing?
  • I refer to it as a “thing”. Enough said.
  • My first words on seeing the pregnancy test weren’t “yay, we’re going to have a baby!”. It was “what the f*ck does a cross mean?”, followed by “oh no….”. And I genuinely regret that. I feel like the first time seeing a positive pregnancy test should be a happy, longed-for occasion… and for me, it wasn’t. I didn’t intend for this to become a serious post, but it’s only while writing this that I’ve realised how serious it feels. The only comfort is the hope that in the future, I will have that moment again, and it’ll be happy.
  • I’m too nervous to tell my landlords. Yeah, this is a biggie. I don’t know why I’m nervous; it’s not like they can shout at me… “How dare you get pregnant and continue to live in my house?” or something?! But I think that’s quite a big thing that shows I’m still so nervous and maybe even a little bit ashamed to be in this situation.Β 
  • I cry a lot. A lot of the time it isn’t hormones. It’s a genuine fear that I’m not ready and I can’t do it, and a lot of the time, I say that I want to go home, and I want a hug off my Mum. I know that I won’t be able to have that – especially not when the baby’s here. We can’t just up sticks and go home whenever I want, and I’m finding that thought really hard to deal with. So much of this is so difficult to deal with, but I think the comforting thing is that it isn’t harder than I thought it would be. I’ve literally come into this expecting the very worst and then some – so I can only either be right, or it’ll be better than my expectations! That’s the way I’m looking at it anyway.Β 

Still, despite all of it – the culture shock that hormonal outbursts proved to be, the discomfort of morning sickness, the constant barrage of feelings that I can’t do it – my determination isn’t wavering. Not once have I felt uncertain of my resolve to do my best for this baby, no matter what. Even if my best isn’t all that great, it’ll be better than nothing. Every time I hear someone asking me when I’m dropping out of uni, or if I’m getting rid of the baby (yes – I’m still getting that at 17 weeks) and questioning how I’ll get the money/time/everything for the baby, it only makes me even more determined to prove that I can do it, no matter how much my own head is screaming at me that I can’t.

Still, if you are one of the insensitive and intrusive idiots who’ve said that to me over the past few weeks, don’t think I’m giving you free reign to say those things. It’s rude, it’s insensitive, and it’s making me feel like crap about myself, and every time you say something like that, your rating on my Twat-ometer just goes up and up. For some of you, it’s sky-high right now. I’m hormonal and angry, and a Hulk outburst is on the horizon any day now. You have been warned.

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15 thoughts on “Those Little Moments….

  1. Rachel says:

    Ignore the judgemental idiots, especially the ‘how will you afford it’ ones. Second hand/free/hand me downs are plenty good enough, I don’t understand people insisting they have to spend a fortune on new stuff when so much of it is outgrown so quickly. And I know 19 year olds who are great parents and older mums who are less so, so your age really shouldn’t have to come into it.

    I’m 23 and 32 weeks pregnant with my first, planned, child and I’m pretty scared at the thought of being responsible for a tiny human as well. Terrified in fact. But excited too.

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  2. joyejariajoyfuljoyous says:

    I was 18 and at Uni when I had my first and I am about to have my second, almist 5 years later and I still relate to this. There is this undescribale dear that in feeling savour being a mother of two.

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  3. joyejariajoyfuljoyous says:

    I was 18 and at Uni when I had my first and I am about to have my second, almost 5 years later and I still relate to this. There is this undescribale fear that i feeling about being a mother of two.

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  4. iHijinx says:

    You can do it! and, you’ll surprise yourself at how brilliant you will be. The negativity you’re experiencing comes from THEIR fear – let them own that one! What you need to do is Rock (captial R) that bump all over campus and release your inner diva!

    ps. Yes, you are an adult and yes, you have responsibilities but you never have to act your age… it’s optional!

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  5. Totally Teen Mum says:

    I absolutely love you blog, it brings back so many memories of myself as a pregnant seventeen-year-old!
    You will continue to meet those insensitive and intrusive idiots for the rest of your life. I’m 22 now, finished sixth form and uni with my baby and now I’m doing a post-grad course. Do I still have people tut and roll their eyes at me? Of course. Is it acceptable? No. Would it be acceptable even if I hadn’t finished my education? Hell no. Do they think so? Hell yes.
    I once had the stuck up MD at the company I was working at ask “Does she still see Daddy much?” right after asking the middle-aged, middle-class, single mother how her “husband” was. Eh?!
    I laugh at these people now. In fact, I look forward to people making rude comments so I can put them in their place.
    Good luck with your pregnancy, good luck with your studies and good luck with parenthood! I will definitely be sharing this blog with other young mums!

    PS, if you’re on Twitter there is a regular organised hashtag chat, #YoungMumsChat, it would be lovely to have more young mums join! I’m not sure when the next one is but if you follow @prymface (who does a lot to promote the respect for young mums!) she’ll announce the next one.

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  6. Hannah says:

    Hey M,
    I just stumbled across your blog and reading the couple of posts you’ve left (and not knowing you at all) I think you’re doing a great job.
    My mum had me and my brother at the age of 23. She got a degree and looked after us and money was sometimes tight, but she brought us up brilliantly. Plus having a young mum is great (she used to play Nirvana and Radiohead).
    People who have negative things to say, are just negative people. Fuck everyone else, all that matters is you, SB and your man.

    Best Wishes

    Hannah

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  7. Emma says:

    Congratulations! I was 19 when I had my first-I would say you brought it all back to me , but, after 16 years and 5 more babies , each pregnacy still felt slightly mind blowing and a little bit confusing (how is it going to get out again…?!)
    However it all passes so fast , seems like yesterday I was waiting for my first baby which I didn’t even contemplate could be any thing but a girl but is now actually a 16 yr old 6ft 1 man!
    I had never even held a baby til I had my own and they let me take him home ….after about 4 hrs…terrifying and amazing…trust yourself, trust your instincts and enjoy every moment.
    Good luck, have fun xx

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  8. Lena says:

    you seem really lovely and very smart, your kid is lucky!
    can you tell your LL in an email perhaps? I would feel comfortable telling mine in an email, I think it would be less stressful than face to face, although you shouldn’t be scared of telling him. Is it just that it makes everything more real and final?
    From reading that post you seem like you’ll make a great parent…..because you are thoughtful and you care, and you obviously have a sense of humour.
    good luck with everything πŸ™‚
    from a fellow mumsnetter xxx

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  9. Katy says:

    Hi, I never comment on blogs and given yours is so personal I hope I’m not being an intrusive twat. I just wanted to commend you for your bravery, your honesty and frankly give you a massive hug (not that you need one off an anonymous stranger, but hopefully the offer is what counts). A few things:

    I am almost 32. I had my first baby 9 months ago. Despite wanting her very much, I felt for much of the first trimester as if I were making a massive mistake. (I felt like that for a few weeks after she arrived too, but with slightly more reason as it was very much more pressurised at that point). I really recognise your regret over your reaction and wanted to let you know that this happens to other people too, including those with far less socially obvious reason to be terrified.

    No one told me this, and I wish they had (you may of course already know this, but I’m a bit of an idiot so it took me actually doing it to find out): you will adore this baby. And, importantly, it will adore you back. Despite how frightening and difficult it is – and it could be – it’s all made so much easier by having this incredible new “thing” in your life that kisses you, smiles at you, makes you laugh and makes you cry with pleasure. Your best will be more than enough for it. I am not a joyful person by nature, and I did not expect a baby to complete me, or make me happy, or anything else. But she has brought so much fun to my life, in ways I would never have considered. They take a lot from you, but they give so much back. And you will, I have no doubt, feel like you are opening the best childhood Christmas present, every day.

    Because of this, you will find you CAN do it. Simple.

    (Oh and I also swore on both my scans. The sonographer was a bit horrified I think.)

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  10. alicej74 says:

    Hi Maddy,

    I had my first baby at 32 and I totally relate to most of what you said. Perhaps not the classmates thinking of it as a mascot but the rest ring true. My baby wasn’t planned either and I guess what I am trying to say is that it maybe isn’t so much about your age but the circumstances and also that it really will all be ok. You sound like an very strong lady and I have no doubt that you will be a brilliant mum.

    I had no maternal feelings toward my baby at all during pregnancy and was terrified that when it was born I would feel nothing but it was an unnecessary worry. One of the first things I said (to my mum!) after he was born was ‘Oh how I wish I had known how much I was going to love him). And somehow after that everything else was OK.

    Hoping you find some joys in the pregnancy and the excitement of welcoming your little one to the world.

    Alice

    PS I am now nearly 40 and still giggle when I hear 69. I have given up expecting to grow out of it.

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  11. The Wanderer Returns (@caffeine_lights) says:

    Hello, just wanted to say hi. I was pregnant at 19 as well (I’m 25 now and DS is 5 – scary how quickly it goes.) I like your writing style too, so I’m looking forward to reading more πŸ™‚ I have to say you’re being a lot more realistic than I was, as I was convinced it was all going to be happy rainbows and wonderful despite the hard work which didn’t really help when at times it wasn’t.

    I think it’s funny that you described your bump as a speed bump, because that’s exactly my experience too – it doesn’t end your life or cut things off, but it does put mega-whacking great speed bumps in your way and make it harder to do things. But on the plus side if you choose to have more children young or only want one, then at least you get the speed-humpy part out of the way early! In some ways it’s been better, career-wise for me.

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  12. Mumaleary says:

    Hello. This is an amazing post. Not sure if that is the right thing to say given that it is so emotional for you but there it is.
    You seem like a hugely intelligent, articulate and bright person so I reckon you will do absolutely fine.
    I use the ‘if you care enough to think you might be doing it wrong, you care enough’ sort of yard stick so on that level you are acing it. I will look forward to reading your coming posts and wish you the very very best. Being a mum is the toughest and most brilliant thing I’ve ever done. Lots of love. Xx

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