Emma’s Diary is a pile of proverbial…

Which is exactly why I’m blogging my own version.

Essentially, the Speed Bump is a kind of real-life version of Emma’s Diary, the god-awful pregnancy publication dished out to all expectant mothers regardless of age, class, or anything else at all pertinent to what kind of pregnancy they’ll have.

Now then, if you’re a middle class woman in her early thirties with plenty of money, enjoying a straightforward pregnancy, with lots of lovely Mummy friends in the area, Emma’s Diary is great – apparently. If you’re a working class 19 year old university student, with very little money, an unplanned pregnancy and no idea what she’s doing, it’s never really going to apply, is it?

Why doesn’t Emma talk about the gritty side of pregnancy? Forget buggering off to France but, ohnoes, she can’t eat soft cheese! La grande merde, she will just have to scoff olives and garlic bread instead, poor moi! I can’t even leave the house without feeling sick. The thought of eating anything that isn’t neutral coloured, salty and a little bit cardboardy in consistency is enough to make me throw up on a bad day.

I’m craving McDonalds chicken nuggets as they include all of these qualities, with the added bonus of being so damn unhealthy. So you’ve got Emma with her lovely little cravings – what is it again, bouillabaise with veal escalopes and croutons? – and then there’s me, at the other end of the scale, nearly crying with joy when I saw that McDonalds do boxes of 20 chicken nuggets.

I think they need to have a series of diaries, and pick the most appropriate one according to the social class, age, planned-ness of pregnancy and all-around chav-ness of cravings, and hand that out to the expectant mother. I think I’d relate a lot more to a council estate teenager finding herself unexpectedly pregnant and spends the next seven weeks unable to move too far away from a bin or a toilet, than a middle-class woman in her thirties ejaculating with joy over a much-planned and longed for baby but, mon dieu! she had a whole two weeks of morning sickness the lucky bitch.

Rant over.

For now.

 

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